Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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