Tell her she can't have a vagina
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
