Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
