Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Shitshow foam night was such a success
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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