so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
