Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
