I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize