What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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