TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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