I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
