Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
