I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
