I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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