omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
