come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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