Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
