I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
