is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
