Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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