I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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