so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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