I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I need to calm my uterus...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
