There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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