Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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