someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
