After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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