So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
