He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize