I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
