I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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