I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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