Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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