Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
