zippers are such a cool invention
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
