I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
