Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I want to fling myself into the sun
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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