the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
