$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
