Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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