i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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