I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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