um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
home. puking in laundry basket.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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