Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
