im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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