you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
