If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
