My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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