I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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