I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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