One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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