I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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