I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The best revenge is premature balding
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
