Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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