Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
