he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
