The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
