i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
