for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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