i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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