Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude i'm inner monologue high
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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