got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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