Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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