Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
