get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize