if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
