a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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