WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
