Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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