he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Randomize
