last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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